Monday, December 31, 2012

I resolve to breathe a little and have fun a lot.

At this time of year, I'm always amazed at how time flies, how kids grow, and how relationships blossom, fizzle, end, and begin. I find myself nostalgic for all that is lost and hopeful for all that will be.
It's usually a time of clichéd self-reflection. I'm cliché 100%.

And every year, at this time, I decide with conviction to give the year ahead a lofty – yet achievable – goal. One that'll make my life fuller, richer, better, nicer, sweeter, fun(ner), and all around more meaningful. One that will get me out of the bed in the morning. After all, I like the idea of spending time  on building a legacy, striving to become a better person, righting wrongs, and soaking up some sunlight.

This year, I resolve to breathe a little and have fun a lot. 
Sounds simple. It is. But in 2012 I found myself caught up more oft than naught in working too hard or saying yes too much or aiming to please just about everyone I met. In the end, though I loved these things and chose to do them wholeheartedly and felt great about them at the time, I eventually felt tired, burnt out, maybe even a little resentful.

Sometimes (oftentimes) I forget to take a moment.

So in 2013 I will take moments.

Just because 2012 wasn't perfect doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant.
It was.

So before I greet a New Year with an open heart and a keen sense of adventure, I owe 2012 a thank you.

Thank you 2012 for giving me the opportunity to:


Learn that you never really "lose" the someones that you love. 
They stay with you. In your dreams. In your memories. In your heart. Uncle Phil showed up every time I needed him even though we "lost" him on a dewy morning in June. I don't know how that happens, but it just does. And it's like a nice warm blanket on a below freezing night.

Stick to my guns.
It wasn't easy. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go with the status quo. But there was an undercurrent afoot that patted my back, whispered "I believe in you", and urged me to follow my gut. I've never been more proud.

Wear high heels.
It might be some kind of metaphor for coming into one's own. The whole caterpillar to butterfly thing comes to mind. I started rocking some sweet fluorescent heels in July. Another pair of teal ones in September. And it wasn't about the shoes. It was about me. I strutted into offices filled with skeptical suits, and left with hearty handshakes and business deals.

Feel lucky.
I doubt there is a single girl on this planet as blessed as me. My family is extraordinary. Sometimes I forget how good I've got it. Parents, brothers, nephews, niece, cousins, aunts, uncle, gramma – everyone. Life is good.

Take risks.
Sure I broke a lot of bones. I twisted a lot of ligaments. I rented crutches more times than I wanted and was a visit away from a first-name basis with the ER nurse at VGH. I cried in fear of change. I lay away at night, all night. I second guessed myself. But man alive, did I do some heart-thumping good stuff. I felt alive in 2012.

Grieve.
I didn't realize what grief really was. I've lost people before. But no one who held such a vast piece of real estate in my life. And it burned (still does). It stabbed. It was gut wrenching. My heart broke. Over and over. I saw his name on a tombstone and I felt like I was in another world. This can't be real. The tears came fast and furious for the better half of this year. But amidst all that grief, some incredible gifts emerged: stronger relationships, warm and genuine support, long, heartwarming talks, wonderful memories, and great lessons. Thank you, Uncle Phil.

Go for it!
I ate challenges for breakfast. I jumped hurdles. I waited out storms. I prevailed even when I thought I wouldn't. I had balls in 2012. Big, ironclad balls.

Reconnect.
I came out of the woodwork. I pushed aside my rock. I dusted out the corner.
I called friends. I met for beers. For movies. For dancing and drinks. I went out on weeknights and weekends. I ran with friends. I met old acquaintances for tea. I said Yes when I wanted to say No. I dated. I took weekends off. I reconnected with the people who've loved me all this time and were waiting for me to come back. I had mad fun with the people who love me most. I'm grateful they were patient enough to wait.

Eat vegan.
I drank kale juice every morning this past year. I ate raw food about 80% of the time. I gave up processed foods, refined sugars, wheat, and sweets. And I feel amazing and strong and vibrant.

Love.
I loved – my family, my friends, boys. I jumped head last and heart first into pretty much every relationship I have. And it was extraordinary.

Burn my to-do list.
I literally took a match to it in September. It was awesome.

Travel.
Atlanta. Boston. Iceland. The bug was silenced (temporarily) in 2012. I had extreme adventures.

Mentor/Lead/Inspire (hopefully)
I think I helped people in 2012. I feel like I mentored a teenager with love and example. I lead a team with steadfast conviction. I inspired a community to stand up and do more. I aimed to encourage and motivate and deliver. And when I felt like I wasn't doing enough, the universe gifted me with thanks and humility and lessons of its own. I think I made the world a little better. Just a little.

Fall.
I fell. A lot.
I failed. Often.
But I didn't look back, I focused forward.

Let it be easy.
I didn't get caught up in the drama. If it didn't feel good, I didn't do it. I let my conscience be my guide. I let the haters hate on their own. I replaced the non-believers with fans and groupies. I left the people who pulled me down behind. And life was surprisingly simple.

Donate.
I donated time, money, ideas, and heart to really good people who are doing sublimely good things. And I feel warm and fuzzy about that. I should do more.

Run.
I ran slow. I ran fast. I ran on trails and roads and by rivers and oceans. I ran through trees and snow and rain and sleet. I ran with my family, my friends, and myself. I raced against the clock, against other runners, and against myself. I achieved personal bests and personal worsts. My knees ached and yet I felt stronger than ever. Running was my soul.

Fall in love with me.
Don't get me wrong: I still have a lot of kinks to iron out. I still scold myself when I don't measure up to my expectations. But I kinda like me. Love me actually. I think I'm pretty cool even with all of my quirks and imperfections. Life is too short to not spend bringing myself down.


So thank you 2012 for all the hard-earned lessons, the fun, the adventure, the tears, the life.

And hello 2013: Let's have some fun.

Happy New Year.
Great things ahead, no doubt!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Journey on.

There is this Ingrid Micahelson song that I love – You and I.
It came on quite sporadically in my mix of iPod tunes as I was rushing to catch the subway to work this morning. I was frazzled and a little hung over. I had a bag full of food and juice for the day – the kind of stash I put together for a hiking trip or a picnic.
Today, it was my survival kit for weekend work.
Then Ingrid's song began and I smiled without knowing it until someone smiled back and I realized that I was pushing happiness outward.

It's a nice little diddy about love and life.

My favourite lines:
"Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France. Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance."

It makes me smile because I have goals posted in my home. Things I want – and will – achieve in this lifetime. Some this year. Some in 5 years. Some so far away I'm not sure i'll make it there, but if I do there are goals to achieve.

One says: Take my mom on a trip to France in 5 years. I pay.
Another says: Fly my family to Vancouver on my dime. All of them. At once.

I started the day with a tinge of resentment for entrepreneurialism and my steadfast commitment to work over play. I would miss a run with my friends on the first sunny day in weeks. I wouldn't play fetch with Harley. I would miss Stu's first symphony. I would not meet my best guy friends at Local for a pint. I would not have time to skype mom. I would miss Sherie's call ... again. I would say "working" when Chris texted "what are you up to?" and I'd say "Sorry, I can't" when Sam asked if I wanted to go to Adam's gig with her.

I would miss a handful of important moments and disappoint a handful of truly beautiful people, but I would do it for what matters most to me: not the work, but the goals. And the progress toward those goals.

Every weekend of work is a step closer.
Every evening in front of the computer screen is a notch in my belt.
Every disappointment today will be worth a thousand smiles and hugs and warm satisfaction tomorrow.

And when I am feeling overwhelmed or when the light at the end of the tunnel seems dim, it's a nice reminder that I'm in this thing to make a difference, to build a miraculous life, to bring smiles and contentment to my family, and to build something I can be proud of.

So I soldier on, because it's actually kinda fun and I'm getting close to the peak now. And the view is mindblowing.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Whistler 50 Mile Ultra Race

In September, fresh off a broken ankle and a glorious Iceland trek, my friend Amy sent an email: "Wanna do an 80k relay?"
"In!" I replied.
Pressed send.

Then I thought about it: What have I done?!

The Whistler 50 miler is 80 glorious kilometres through a well-groomed trail system in beautiful Whistler, BC. A handful of massively athletic (and perhaps clinically insane) runners do the whole thing themselves. Yes. They run 80k. They are amazing. They embody perseverance.

Lucky for me, Amy wasn't proposing this death sentence. (whew)

We rounded up 8 girls and on October 19th headed up to Whistler for the big race.

The race started promptly at 8am. Each of us would run a specific leg of the race – either a 13k or a 7k distance.

We woke up with fires in our bellies and the taste of trepidation in our throats. Still, we were confident.
"Let's do this thing!" we said with fury as we opened the condo door to get rolling.

To our surprise: the grounds was covered in snow and mother nature was brooding.
Wind. Snow. Cold.
Somehow, over night, it became winter in Whistler.

We shut the door.
Looked at each other.
Put on one more layer and headed out.

We anticipated that the race would take us 8 hours all-in – 7 hours and 32 minutes later, our last runner crossed the finish line with rosy cheeks and a big smile.

We killed it.

As a girl who loves to compete but has always been a back-of-the-pack kind of athlete, I found the relay to be immensely motivating and inspiring. When Dayna, our first runner, showed up at the crossover point in just over an hour after running 13k through a hilly trail, I thought Wow, so the bar has been set. 

And for the next 5 hours, while I waited for my turn to go, I strategized, I pumped myself up, I gave myself inner pep talks. There was no way I was going to be the slowest on this team!

Turns out: I was totally the slowest on the team.

But, I ran fast (for me) and hard (for me). I felt strong. I felt grounded.
I ran through a snowstorm with a blue lake to my right and snow-covered trees all around.
I ran up hills and down. Over rocks. Across tree roots. Through forest.

And when I saw Kim (another one on our team) at the crossover station waiting for the pass-off, I was delighted. And I pushed on.

In the hot tub afterwards, with snowflakes drifting downward, steam rising upwards, and Starbucks cups filled with champagne, we cheersed.

And then immediately started planning next year's run. We could TOTALLY do it in 7 ... right? Or is that just the champagne talking?



Saturday, September 8, 2012

Iceland: A smorgasbord of adventure

Never in my life have I had such a platter of beauty, oddity, and outright perfection placed right before my eyes. Iceland was a feast for my eyes, my heart, my body, my soul. It was a seemingly endless buffet of one spectacular view after another. Mountains. Volcanoes. Glaciers. Hot springs. Raging rivers. Glorious waterfalls. Red. Green. Brown. Grey. Black ash sands. Blue ice caves.

I was a glutton.

It was enough to make a girl realize that she is really just one small, insignificant, and oh-so-lucky cog in the wheel of life. Nature rules this roost.


Landmannalauger
After a night in a local boutique hotel and a early morning shower that smelled like farts (thank you, geothermal heating!), I met the rest of our tour group in Reykjavik. Our guide, a big, burly, Brit with a dry sense of humour and a deeply-rooted passion for the land picked us up in a big van with a luggage tow. The morning was cloudy. It rained on and off. The wind roared. It felt like November in Vancouver.

But the magic of Iceland, as I quickly found out, is that even in a raging storm, with nearly zero visibility, with cold hands and wet feet, it somehow manages to mesmerize. It still stands strong with beauty.

The rain pelted against the windshield as we drove Northwest from Reykjavik through Selfoss, past the infamous Mount Hekla (a moody volcano known for blowing its lid) and onto our first camp in Landmannalauger.

Mount Hekla
Landmannalauger is a hub for this trek. Icelanders sometimes drive in for the weekend for day hikes. And world travellers come to start one of the world's undeniably most interesting and diverse treks: It's called the "Laugavegurinn" trek. "Hot Spring Route". Which made perfect sense, we quickly found out, as the terrain was dotted with geothermal hotspots, bubbling mud pots, and steamy, sulfuric rivers.

We set up camp in the wind and drizzle and set off for a quick day hike to warm up our legs for the journey ahead and open our eyes with a glimpse of what was to come.

The Landmannalauger camp is surrounded by mossy stone cliffs, odd lava fissures, steamy red, white, and brown mountains. It's a rhyolite wonderland. There are hotsprings and reedy grasses and black rocks and red stones.

Rhyolite mountains and cotton grass. Oh my!


"This is Iceland." said our guide matter-of-factly at the top of one of our ascents when the clouds parted and a bit of sun shone down on the mossy east side of an adjacent mountain making it shine like a pile of emeralds in a sea of diamonds. He looked around. He was proud.

"Whoa." I said.

He smiled big and chuckled.

In less than 24 hours, I was drunk on Iceland.

Landmannaluager to Hrafntinnusker

The night raged with weather systems. From inside our little tent, it seemed like meteological warfare was one zipper away from ripping us out of our sleeping bags and into an Icelandic abyss. We didn't sleep a wink. No one did. We had to collect rocks and pile them on top of tent pegs just to hold our tents down.

Like our guide said: "Weather changes in an instant here. You have to be careful."

It was summer but winter was saying hello.

The sun rose again at 4:30 behind clouds and a gale force wind that nearly knocked us sideways.
We met in the kitchen tent for bad coffee, lumpy porridge, and a pep talk.

"It's going to be cold and wet," said our guide. "So don't die."

With tents packed, lunch made, and clothing sufficiently layered, we huddled in the kitchen tent one last time.

"It's not going to get dryer," said our guide.
He smiled, wryly.
"Let's go!"

As we began our ascent, the clouds hung low, the wind roared from the West, and the rain persisted. At times, we could barely see the person in front of us let alone scenery. We were trekking inside a storm cloud in one of the most beautiful parts of the country.

"If you could see, you wouldn't believe it anyway," said our guide. And we pressed forth.

The trek to Hrafntinnusker is about 12km with an elevation gain of about 500 meters overall. It's fairly undulating and unforgiving. Slabs of rock and a plateau of stone and moss seemed to be underfoot. But, then again, we couldn't really see and, after a few hours, we couldn't really "feel" the landscape either.

It wasn't long until we all were wet. Not just our clothes, but our souls. The rain whipped at our left sides leaving us raw, frigid, and blue in the face. The wind was merciless and we bore into it with heads hung and hearts full.

"When you go down here, you go down fast," warned our guide as we started to slow and our spirits plummeted. We trudged forth. Together. A band of a dozen. Man versus nature. It was the stuff that the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" cliché is made of.

Four hours in, I couldn't feel my fingers or toes. I stood in geothermal steam, coughing on the thick sulphuric air, just for some reprieve from the harsh lashing Mother Nature was dishing out.

I've never been so cold or so wet or so unsure of my ability to carry on.
And yet, I've never felt more alive.

Suddenly, in the dense fog, a rock cairn emerged. In the centre, a small plaque – a memorial to an Israeli hiker who died at this very spot, a few years before, when the weather turned quickly one summer from sun to blizzard in a heartbeat. He was only 2 kilometers from the safe hut. "So close but so far" the memorial said.

It was a reminder as sharp as the wind-thrust raindrops slicing our faces that Mother Nature is God in this country.

There were no pictures today. No moments of sunshine. No opportunities to gasp in awe at ancient lava floes and odd fissures and rhyolite rainbows.

We arrived at the Safe Hut with blue lips, chattering teeth, and a very clear idea of what kind of trouble the weather here could dish out.

We realized how grateful we were for a knowledgeable guide and warm clothes when, at 12 a.m., the warden of the safe hut received a call about a missing hiker. Our guide and the warden went out in the weather to look for him and found him cold and delirious (and very lost) only a kilometer from the hut!


Hrafntinnusker to Hvanngill

The next morning we woke up to one very big cloud – and we were in it.
Still no view and no idea of what the landscape around us looked like. Rain drizzled. A brisk wind lashed out.

I put my wet gear – now stinky and damp – back on from the day before. Something my body tried hard to rebel against. Wet pants. Wet socks. Wet shoes. Wet everything. It was a fairly miserable start.

But from the moment my boots first hit the soil, the weather began it's transformation.
The clouds lifted just long enough and sporadically enough to give us bird's eye views of the Kaldak glacier to the east, rich red glacial streams running fast and furious with iron-stained water, and the glass-like obsidian fields underfoot – cooled magma that shimmers like black glass.

We gained about 500 meters in elevation over the course of the day. Most of it steeply before noon in rain and cloud, it seemed. As the clouds lifted higher, our guide took us off the beaten path to see some extraordinary sights – namely an ice cave in a mountain crevice that was blue and green with prehistoric ice. It was magnificent. Strong, beautiful, frightening, incredible.

Ice cave!

River crossing

Sunshine and glacial lake

Home sweet home.

We embarked on our first river crossing – a thigh-high rapid that was colder than anything I'd ever felt. In just 15 seconds across, my legs stung and my toes curled. It was thrilling.

Four hours into our hike, a gust of wind blew in and took with it the rain cloud that had been shadowing our journey for the past two days. And suddenly, we could see. Like REALLY see.

The sun's reflection off of obsidian fields was nearly blinding but brilliant. The texture of moss was extraordinary – lime green and richly velvet. The glacial rivers gushed. Water goblets on moss gathered like pillowed clouds. There were mountains, volcanoes, and glaciers undulating throughout the landscape further than my eyes could see. The glacial lake at Alftavatn glowed heavenly in the distance.

The terrain changed with every step it seemed – obsidian, large fissures, red rock, grey rock-like moss, rich green moss, brown rhyolite, loose scree, big flat rocks... Every step was a new experience.

I looked around. Eyes wide. Heart open.

This is why I came to Iceland.

Hvanngill to Emstrur

Our night in Hvanngill was glorious. No wind. No rain. A peaceful sleep. We woke up to nearly clear skies and a warm sun. The surrounding mountains were glowing like polished emeralds.

We charted our course with porridge in mugs and excitement in our hearts.

The day was filled with magical sites. We spent 3 hours trekking through a black ash desert – like walking on coarse sand. It was flat, long, and desolate, yet surrounded by glaciers and huge volcanic fissures. Long gone was the moss and colourful rhyolite from yesterday. The landscape was grey, gritty, and Mars-like. I felt like we'd left the planet for a while. It was utterly barren and yet somehow breathtakingly beautiful.
Cooled lava on river's edge

Ash desert

When we'd successfully waded through this sea of ash, we started to head upwards again and bear off the usual path. We crossed two rivers. We climbed rocky ridges. And we scaled a mountain that gave us an extraordinary humbling view of both where we'd come from and where we were heading. The magnitude of this 360-degree view nearly knocked me off my feet. I felt like a small pawn in a big beautiful world. I felt lucky and alive. I have never seen anything so utterly odd and incredible and beautiful and unreal in all my 34 years.

I wanted to stand there and soak in the breeze, the ashy wind, the glowing rocks.

The trek down to Emstrur from here was steep but inviting. Our campsite for the night was hugged on all sides by rocky exploits and glacial views.

The Markafljotsgljufur canyon was a 20 minute hike away. We hadn't had a chance to explore together, so I took advantage of the 19 hours of sunlight that Iceland in August offers, set up the tent, changed my socks, and headed off solo up to the canyon.

"It's quite something," my guide had said earlier that day. And he was right.

The canyon is over 100 meters deep in the heart of the Icelandic Highlands. The edges are dotted with sheep precariously close to danger. Snow buntings soar above the roaring water – a culmination of a number of glacier-fed rivers that all end up here.

It looked as if the world had opened up and swallowed a piece of Iceland whole.

It was monumental.
And yet calming.

I sat on the edge, feet dangling over the abyss, laughed at how Mom would hate how close I was to the edge at this moment (sorry mom!). And for the first time on this trek I started to sort things out, think about my life, my work, my goals. At that canyon side, there was clarity like I haven't had in quite some time. And I drank it up. Soaked it in. Smiled.

Emstrur to Porsmork

Mother Nature woke us up with another beautiful sunrise at 4 a.m. It's hard to sleep in Iceland when the sun shines 'round the clock. We set forth to walk around the canyon – a series of ups and downs with a few SpiderMan-like ascents that make a businesswoman feel all kinds of cool.

Some of the canyon-side was cooled lava in wild formations. It was like the kind of art you see in downtown cores with a texture that people stare at. They know they like it they just don't know why.
It was sharp and jagged and abstract yet patterned and almost purposeful.

The landscape changed quickly. Long gone was the ash desert and rugged volcanic rocks. Suddenly we found ourselves climbing across thickly-mossed rock, down grassy knolls, and around trails covered with dwarf birch.


"Finally! Trees!" our guide said with a smirk.

We looked around and at each other.
There were no trees. No vegetation more than an inch off the ground. We were puzzled.

He pointed to a viney lifeform explanding on the ground. It was leafy (the first leaves I'd seen since I arrived) and dark, vibrant green.

"It's a dwarf birch" he said.

Dwarf was an understatement but it was miraculous to see how plants take root in seemingly desolate places. The more we walked, the more colourful it became. The more "trees" we saw. More flowers. More leaves. More moss. Even some berries.

It didn't make sense that just 24 hours before we'd been lunching on jagged volcanic rocks surrounded by black and grey.

We came to our biggest river crossing. Thigh-deep, thrashing rapids, glacier-fed, colder than ice. 
We fjorded the beast two by two, arms linked, hearts-apatter.
The first step from the edge went straight down. And I was submerged passed my knees.

"Ready?" asked Jo.
"Let's do it!"
And we slowly, steadily took small steps as the water crashed into our legs. Uprooted rocks hit our calves with blunt force. We felt the first few, but the water was biting cold and soon we'd lost all feeling in our toes, feet, and lower legs. We pressed on.
Arctic fox pup - rivereside

The entire crossing was maybe a minute long. Short by all standards, yet long on guts, strength and bravery.

On the other side we all sat and gasped. Our legs were red. Our toes were blue. Our blood ran cold.
It would be another 45 minutes until I could feel my toes again.

It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. For one minute I was in this whirlpool of all nature had to offer. It was clear that She was strong and vibrant and rules this world. But She let me pass to see another day and explore more.

We arrived at Porsmork early. Our day was short (compared to the ones prior) because the next day would be 12-14 hours up and over a glacial pass.

Porsmork is possibly one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.
Nestled on the banks of a cool, fast-flowing river underneath two glaciers and one active volcano, it is a small pocket of paradise. 


Our glaciers. We climbed the pass through the middle.
One of the Icelandic wardens had beers waiting for us, cooling in the glacial waters. After four days of trekking, sweating, shivering, and eating peanut butter sandwiches, it was a glorious site and a salivating treat.


Rainbow and cloud cover at Porsmork
We shared laughs and good times with other campers at the site. We played with small arctic fox pups who had made their home underneath one of the huts. We watched a cloud roll in, rain on us, then roll out and leave a rainbow that glowed.

We watched the sun begin to set over Eyjafjallajokull and Myrdalsjokull, the two volcano/glaciers that we would climb and pass between tomorrow.

A cloud rolled in.
"It might get ugly tomorrow," our guide warned. "Be prepared. Dress warmly. Even if the sun is out."

Porsmork to Skogar

Surprisingly, we woke up to sunshine and a cool breeze. The peaks of our volcanoes were clear and the clouds seemed at bay to the East.

Our ascent through the Fimmvorduhals (as this area is called) started quickly. Our elevation gain was 1000+ meters and we pressed on over and through and around some of the most striking bits of landscape. We held on to chains – and each other. We crossed Kattyhirgyr – "The Cat's Spine" – a narrow path that drops well over 100 meters on either side. It's not for the faint at heart.

"If you fall, you're not coming back," said our guide.
He smiled wryly then added: "So don't fall, ok? Let's go!"

It was a frightening and invigorating stretch of trail. We then had to ascend up "Death's Knoll" (fairly self-explanatory). There's a small chain bolted into cracking rocks that may or may not be sturdy. We held on, dug our toes in deep, felt the lactic acid build up in our legs, and climbed on.

At the top, arms on knees, panting and smiling, I looked up: And there it was. A sheet of ice so blue and green and black and white it was like no colour I've ever seen, no painting I've ever cast my eyes on, no bit of nature I've ever stumbled across.

I nearly cried.
I felt it in my stomach.
And in my heart.

It was like instant love. I had goosebumps.
Not from the cold. From the sheer awesomeness of it.

I've never seen anything so glorious.
Speechless.
At the top.
Hot lava meets cool glacier






So we trekked on for two more hours, surrounded by ice thousands of years old – here long before us and long after us too. Nature's gift of perspective, I suppose.

Though the sun was strong and the day was perfect for this type of ascent, the altitude brought with it bold winds and a few fat wet droplets.

We continued to climb. As we did, we came across the lava floe from Eyjafjallajokull – the volanco that erupted in April 2010 and left an ash cloud so big it hindered European air space for weeks. The lava was red and rocky, but steaming. Still hot from a two-year-old explosion. The ground was warm to touch, giving rubber soles only a few minutes standing still before melting them. The cooled lava was still in flow formation, like a waterfall frozen in time it hung between the pass, down through the canyon, and onward, steamy, red, and rocky.

Steamy lava
We heard a thunderous BOOM! And in a split second there was an avalanche on the adjacent glacier – a wall of ice dropped like bricks into the canyon and onto the steaming lava. I felt like I was in a National Geographic TV episode. Nature was brooding before my eyes.

Ash craters
At the top of the pass, we walked through a flat "field" of fine ash.
"You're actually walking on the glacier" our guide pointed out.
The ice had been insulated with over a foot of black ash.
"It actually prevents it from melting," he explained.

Little ash craters popped up everywhere – little breathing holes for the ice underneath. I was sure Neil Armstrong had seen something similar in 1969.

Our descent that afternoon was exactly the opposite of the morning's climb. Suddenly, we had moss underfoot, massive glacier waterfalls at every turn, huge canyons, throngs of sheep, rocky fields, flocks of birds over head, and even a few "trees".

Though the descent was first met with excitement and awe, after a few hours I started to feel uncertain. Not of the terrain or the time or the difficulty. Every step downward was a gutwrenching reminder of a life-changing trek coming to an end.
Canyon on the way down to Skogar

Land ho! Civilization for the first time in a week.


The more we trekked, the more I missed the week past.

About an hour from Skogar we started to see people – locals who hike this side of the mountain with iPods and trailrunners, much like I do on Grouse Mountain or in Deep Cove at home.

It was odd to see "the public". We were crusted in a week's worth of sweat and humbled by a week's worth of experiences. Music and running and general regular day life seemed so far away now. I felt like a woman raised by wolves seeing civilization for the first time. It was daunting and uncomfortable.
I wanted to be back on a glacial ridge, the wind whipping my hair, my molars making quick work of my stale peanut butter sandwich, as I stared into the horizon and beyond.

At the end of our trek is one of Iceland's largest waterfalls. It crashes majestically just west of a small farm. I thought of my brother and his family and how they'd love this little piece of paradise.

We all hugged. And paused. It was awkward – we experienced so much and now it seemed so abruptly over. A bus waited in the parking lot (a parking lot!) to take us to Reykjavik – a 2 hour drive west.

The bus ride was quiet. We were tired. We were stinky. We were sad. We were elated. We were an emotional dozen trying to sort out in our own minds what the last week had meant to us.

Adventure: Part II

After a day in Reykjavik loading up on cold beers and vegetables, washing our clothes in the sink of a hostel (note to travellers: there are no laundromats in Iceland as far as I can tell), and showering for way too long in a geothermal shower that smells like farts and counteracts the desire to be clean, we plotted a course of action.

Not to be outdone by our first week in the country, Jo and I decided to rent a car and a tent and travel west.

First stop: Armstapi
Tourists in Iceland always head East, so we headed west, looking for an unconventional adventure.
We loaded up our little Nissan with Icelandic groceries (same as other groceries just with ingredient lists that we can't read) and drove west.

Atlantic Ocean – Armstapi
Though the Ring Road (the Icelandic version of the Trans Canada) has a speed limit of 90-100km/hr, we found ourselves stop and go for most of the time. Not because of traffic (there seems to be no such thing in Iceland. We maybe saw seven cars all day!), but because of unfenced sheep hanging out roadside, eyeing us curiously, and weighing the options of attacking our little Nissan head on or wandering back off into the fields.

After arriving in Armstapi and setting up camp, we explored a little – we hiked a horse trail around the base of the Snaefellsness volcano, checked out a roadside cave, and watched the waves of the Atlantic crash on west coast bluffs.
Bluffs in Armstapi









Snaefellsnes
The snaefellsnes glacier is at the heart of one of the most famous novels in the world – Journey to the Centre of the Earth by Jules Verne. It is legendary and holds watch over sweet fishing villages on the Straight of Denmark.

"We MUST hike that," I said to Jo in the morning, looking upon Snaefellnes from an unzippered tent door.
She smirked. Half cautious and half intrigued. "We don't have a guide."
"We'll just go toward the snow. We'll find a trail and head up! When we want to come down, we'll keep our eyes on the Atlantic, and head west!"

There she is: Snaefellnes Glacier.
She humoured me and we drove around Snaefellnes national park until we found a way in – a dirt road too rocky and uncertain for our little Nissan but perfect for our hiking boots and spirited sense of adventure.

We parked the car in Hellnar, suited up, and headed upward.

The day was the stuff novels are made of. Fitting for this occasion. Blue sky. Nary a cloud. Minimal wind. Blazing sun. We were in tank tops an hour in, with sweat on our backs and excitement in our chests.

The road up was windy and steep.
The higher we got, the more blue the ocean seemed in the distance, and the whiter the glacier glowed.

A few hours in, we ventured off the road and toward the glacier.
We had no intention of literally climbing to the peak – we'd need ropes and ice crampons for that.
We just wanted to get close enough to touch a piece of history and maybe throw a few snowballs too.

The closer we got, the more rocky it became. Literally like a gravel pit. Mountains of basketball-sized volcanic rock. Unsteady. Jet black. Unforgiving.
Getting close. Snow!

Our feet burned. Our minds second-guessed every step.

But I had my eye on the prize: A bit of glacier a mere 500 ft forward and up.

Finally, after almost 4 hours, we hit the glacier, did snow angels, lunched on a field of fissures, basked in the sunlight and the 360-degree view – Atlantic to the West, volcanoes to the East.

Oh yes. I did. And it was c-o-o-o-o-ld. Thanks for taking my breath away, Snaefellnes!
Like a few days before near Skogar, our trip down was tough on the feet but easy on the eyes. Waterfalls, sheep, and mossy hills all glimmered in the sunlight. Snaefellsnes looked more beautiful everytime we looked back. The Atlantic got bigger every time we looked forward.

At the end: a high-five.
We didn't die.







And then it rained

The remaining 4 days were rainy, cold, and foggy. We put up our tent in the rain. We took it down in the rain. We drove in the rain. We hiked in the rain. But every day, at one small moment, there would be a pocket of sunshine for just enough time at just the right moment. And we would be blessed by Iceland again.

We drove up the north coast to Blonduos, where the land is flat and watery, green and agricultural. Then we drove down through the interior, into Pingvellir and the tectonic divide, where the world literally opened up and grew upward, leaving two extraordinarily incredible walls of rock in the middle of the highlands. It's a historic place for Icelanders too – parliament would settle disputes in the canyon between the two walls. 10th century bodies are buried here. It's a place that feels rich with meaning.

Tectonic Divide – Pingvellir
We veered off the tourist trail and onto a thin, semi-worn trail through the middle of the divide. Then we climbed up and up and up. Until we were on top of the world, with a view of Pingvalavatn – Iceland's largest natural lake and a place that made me think of Canadian cottage country (minus the trees).

"Listen" said Jo.
"What?" I asked. I heard nothing while I was still.
"Exactly," she said.

And we sat in silence on the ridge watching a storm cloud dump rain on the lake to the West while the sun warmed us from the East.

Lake at Pingvellir

We drove east – through Selfoss, Skogar, and all the way to Vik on the Southern Coast.
The clouds were low and moody.
This southernmost village has a beautiful black sand beach. We stood and watched the rainy waves crash. I felt like I was in a black and white photograph or a Charlie Chaplin film. The world was colourless. And it was oddly serene.

Black Beach in Vik
Waves crashed up against rocks jutting out of the ocean. Leftover fissures from Katla's last explosion in 1918.

We camped that night just a few kilometers past Skogar underneath a waterfall and listened to the rain pelt our tent with big drops.

Jo read from her Lonely Planet guide: Vik is the rainiest city in Iceland. 
Waterfall near Skogar
I was getting used the rain. It didn't hinder our trip so much as make it more interesting.

Reykjanes
The next day we drove southwest to explore the Reykjanes, Grindavik, and some geothermal hotspots that were rumoured in the interior. We hiked around bubbling grey mudpots and in sulphuric clouds. The mountains became grey, brown, red and green, like a loosely painted watercolour that seemed both wrong and completely right. We climbed cliff in the Reykjanes, a southwest pennisula famous for it's underwater volcanic activity. Sharp volcanic fissures stick out of the ocean oddly. The "beach" is a lava field – gnarly rocks and no vegetation. Seagulls are en masse, and somehow it's not annoying like seagulls at home. Somehow it's just right and beautiful and organic and perfect.

Every now and again a gust of wind gave us a breath of sulphur from the geothermal fields nearby.

Just a short trek inland, and the ground seemed to bubble everywhere. Literally boiling before our eyes.
It seemed like science fiction.

Midnight golf
We found a golf course near Grindavik with lava roughs and an ocean view and rented some clubs. It was the day of Uncle Phil's annual charity golf tournament at home, and it felt right to swing a club in his honour an ocean-width away from home.

Though it wasn't exactly midnight, the long days made it easy for us to golf well into the night and feel like it was midday.

With no trees, we could see the entire golf course from every tee and had to keep consulting our course map to know which way to go. At every tee we could see four or five fairways. It seemed like fair game.

The great thing about lava roughs is that you can always find your ball in a sea of black rock. The not so great thing is that a ball in the rough means a bounce or two or ten in all sorts of odd directions.


 Leaving Iceland

"I don't know how I'll be able to describe this trip to people," said Jo over coffee on our way to Keflavik – and home.

There are no words, I thought.

Yet I'm filling this page with words upon words in hopes of trying to convey with some sort of accuracy how extraordinary this land and this adventure and this country are. And yet I can't find the right words. These sentences do little justice to a place that mesmerized me and healed me and excited me and freed me and amazed me and challenged me and embraced me.

Iceland is a special place.
Indescribable by all accounts.
In my lifetime, I don't know if I'll ever come across the words to truly articulate just how extraordinary it is.

I loved it all.
And my heart remains on a volcanic ridge overlooking a glacier with the sun shining and the wind howling and the silhouette of a Snow Bunting coasting through the sky.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Bikes, Hikes, and Heroes in the Chilcotin Mountain Range

For the past 6 years I've carried on my own tradition: Every year, for my birthday, I challenge myself to do something I've never done before. (Paddleboarding, paragliding, bungee jumping, skydiving, scootering...).
It's mad fun.
It gets my heart racing and my blood flowing.
It reminds me that Hell Yes! I am alive!
And man does that feel good.

So this year I headed into BC's beautiful interior with a throng of wild and wooly and warm-hearted friends to mountain bike in the Chilcotin Mountain Range.

The adventure started early when, on an old logging road in pitch dark and no moonlight on an edgeless road that plummeted to a shallow lake far below, our truck got a flat.

"Are you sure it's flat?" I asked as we pulled over.
"I didn't hear a wha-chunk wha-chunk."

This was only the beginning of our naivete.

It all started with a flat... 
None of us knew how to change a tire.
And the boys had driven up to the camp site ahead of us.
There was no cell service.
And although we told the guys to turn on their walkie talkie at the camp site, when we SOSed them, the other line was dead. They were busy setting up camp and drinking beers laughing at how slow we drive.

Lucky for us, the only car that came by about 15 minutes later when we had successfully unpacked the entire truck and reached the spare wheel well was driven by a friendly man with coveralls and a toolbox who instantly set on not only changing our tire but showing us how to do it so we wouldn't get stuck again.

We eventually made it to the site, scolded the boys, opened a few beers, and started to get excited about the day ahead. Giddy actually.
Good morning, Paradise!

One zip of the tent door in the morning and I felt like I was in a new universe. We had driven up here in pitch dark, guided only by stars and a poor map. So when I gave my first stretch outside of the tent, rubbed my eyes, and opened wide – I saw it.
We were actually camping on the edge of a pristine green lake surrounded by rolling mountains of greenery – firs and birch and ferns and grassy knolls. I nearly fell over. I had no idea.
In the distance, snowcapped mountains rose tall and stood ground.


We were on the edge of a fantasy novel. It seemed nearly impossible for anything to be so beautiful.


A float plane picked us and our bikes up in the morning. The sky was blue. The sun was ripe and gold. It was a perfect day to be on a mountain.

The ride in to Spruce Lake was spectacular.
Fresh green meadows rolled like the hills of Switzerland in storybooks.
Rows upon rows of pines looked perfectly farmed by nature.
The water glistened.
The sky was a gem.
The mountains shone.
Snow sparkled.



Our ride began on muddy, rocky trails at the mountain's top. A good spot to get a feel for our bikes and get used to the terrain. We quickly found a groove and the seven of us pedalled forth, sometimes walking our bikes up hill then zooming down.

About an hour and a half in, we came to a break in the trees and a rolling meadow of the greenest grass, purple flowers, lettuce-like ferns, and a view that made it clear that our home is heaven.

We smiled.
We hugged.
We laughed.
We snapped pics.

A single track, no more than 8 inches wide wound through the grassy knoll.
We were effectively pedalling in a postcard.
I nearly cried it was so beautiful.

And then I bailed.
My bike went right. I went left.

I fell and rolled into long grass and ferns, so the fall was kind of comfortable actually.
My lungs were in my throat. (Not literally, of course.)
I sat for a second and tried to collect my thoughts – and my breath.

"You ok?" my friends asked.
One blew her whistle to make sure everyone knew to come back.
Wow, I thought. We've definitely got the safety thing down. 

"I'm okay," I said with tears welling a little in my eyes.
My ankle throbbed. It stung a little.
I was wrestling inside, telling myself that I wasn't hurt, merely scared.

"Sit, Chica" said Chris. "Take your time."
He pulled out the duct tape and started taping my ankle.

I knew I was hurt, but it didn't feel impossible to carry on. I was shaken. I was in a bit of pain. But the duct tape made my ankle feel secure and we were two hours into a 10-hour ride in one of the most beautiful places in the world. So I carried on.

On foot, at first.

I waved the others on and limped forward out of the grassy knoll and back into the forest.
The horse flies lavished in my slower pace and gladly nipped at every inch of showing skin.
I was insect fodder.

After another hour or so, I got back on the bike. I pedalled a little. I walked a little.
I cried a little. I laughed a little. I took time to pause and soak in the surroundings: thick trees, lush meadows, rushing waters, cool breezes, white paper-like birch trees, bear claws in tree trunks. It was a magical place – sore ankle or not.

The more I biked, the thicker my ankle became. The pain increased and so did the numbness in my toes. I felt like my shoe was 10 sizes too small.

And then, another 4 hours later, pedalling slowly with my pal Chris who kindly stayed back to make sure that mountain lions and bears didn't recongize me as the Weakest Link and maul me outright, I reached my breaking point.

And I bawled.
Big thick tears.

My leg was stiff and sore.
It hurt to walk, stand, pedal, breathe.
My heart was beating inside of my foot.

So I hopped on Chris' back and he piggybacked me for the better part of an hour, going back periodically to get the bikes and walk them to us while I rested. The man is bionic.
He mustered brute strength.

I knew, however, that piggbacks weren't going to get us out of the forest before dark.

After 6 hours in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the sounds of the wind rustling through the trees above and mud splashing from tires below, we were met by two young girls on horseback. Chris said "You need to take my friend. She's hurt."

I refused.
He insisted.
I still refused.
He insisted more.
And I succumbed.

The girls were 16 and were on a trip with their aunts and grandmother, who were trailing about 25 minutes behind with their cousin – who had broken her ankle a few hours before falling off a horse.

The universe works in mysterious ways!

We trotted about an hour to where the horsetrailers were parked, and where coinicidentally, the rest of my friends had stopped to wait for Chris and I to show up.

When I saw them, I cried, raised my arms, and they cheered.

The women (so friendly) agreed to take me back to their cottage.
They drew a map for my friends, who still had another 3 hours of biking to go.
And we waived goodbye.
"You're sending me to the farm?" I said through tears and a half-cracked window – half-joking, half-serious.

We high-fived and my friends went left while we went right.

Lucky for me – Diane, Wendy, Darlene, Tenille, Rachel, and Kelly – were just about the most phenomenal people in the world. So kind and selfless.
They carried me into the cottage.
Put ice on my ankle.
Fed me well.
Laughed with me.
Hugged me when I cried.

They called the paramedics who checked out both Kelly and I and suggested we go to the hospital in Lillooet.

My gnarly ankle
"You have a serious problem there," said one of the paramedics.

I had no ID.
No phone.
No access to my friends.

So I opted to stay and wait.

4 hours later, near midnight, Ryan and JC showed up with a bottle of vodka and smiles on their faces. They carried me to the truck, poured me a stiff drink, and headed back to the campsite.

Although he'd ridden 14 hours that day, Ryan pressed on.
"We're packing the truck and getting you to the hospital" he said.
Our tired team packed the truck feverishly and we left for the long 2.5 hour trek to Lillooet on old logging roads in the middle of the night.
We stopped 20 or 30 times for deer crossing the road.
We hallucinated too – out of sheer exhaustion or pain or both.
We laughed.
We blinked for w-a-y too long.

My chauffeur!


At 2:30 we arrived at the Lillooet hospital, where a friendly nurse informed us that there was no doctor on staff and that we'd have to come back at 7 the next morning.
So she shot me in the butt with Demerol and we headed down the street to a seedy motel.
The owner had no sympathy for us, our tale, or the fact that we only needed a place to sleep for 4 hours.
"$100 or no room!!"
So we paid.
And I fell into a Demerol-induced coma it seemed. I don't really remember much after Ryan piggybacked me into the room.

The next morning on just 4 hours sleep, we woke up to a blazing alarm and embarked on what seemed like a comedy sketch. The alarm buzzed and Ryan jolted awake: "What?"
I woke up "What?"
He looked at me "What?"
I said "What?"

We had no idea where we were!

At the hospital, Ryan fell instantly asleep in an ER bed, I hung my head in a wheelchair, and an hour later I had the results:
Not broken. Severely sprained.

I cried.

8 hours later after another snooze in our gross motel room and a long drive back to Vancouver, the doc called again: The radiologist had reviewed the x-rays and noticed an avulsion fracture. I should probably reconsider my trip to Iceland, he said.

I cried more.

But an MRI and a second opinion last week have me hopeful that this ankle will heal just enough for an adventurous trek next week.

The chilcotin mountains were stunning, epically beautiful, impossibly perfect.
The adventure could not have been scripted.
It has the bones of a made-for-TV movie somewhere.
And the friendships could not have proven more solid and deep-rooted.

"You're our Yzerman", Ryan said comparing me to the NHL great who scored the Stanley Cup winner on a broken ankle.
"You make our story so much cooler, Kimmers" said Chris.
"Let's do it again next year!" said Amy.
"You're one tough MF" said JC.

It was the time of my life.

Entirely, utterly worth every dollop of pain. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

34

I'm not someone who remembers things.
I'm not forgetful, really. I just don't remember.
I have memories. I just don't remember the feeling or the meaning or the building of being me.
I dont find this sad or silly or odd at all. It just is. 
I prefer to live forward, I guess.

Maybe it's some kind of self-preservation tactic – so i don't have to be plagued by bad memories or self-examination.
Maybe it's just a kink in my brain's chemistry.
Maybe it's genetic makeup.
Maybe things just aren't worthy of remembering.

I'm not really one who looks back and sees clearly.

An ex-boyfriend once called me out on it.
"You're so cold," he said. "You don't care about the past. You forget it the second it's gone."
It burned me at the time. Made me squeamish and hurt my heart.
I felt like throwing up. Who wants to be cold? Not me. Never me.

But he may have had something there.
I can be a bit chilly.

I really don't harp on things. On good or bad or in between.
I just gaze at the horizon and move my feet forward and my heart upward and look forward to new days and new deeds.

I'm the typical action star in PG-13 movies. When the car blows up 10 feet behind him,  he walks into the sun without ever looking back and tosses the keys backward over his shoulder into the flames.
Onwards.
To the future.
Screw yesterday.

I'm not sure if this is a good way or a bad way or an interesting way to have lived my last 34 years.
But it's me. It's the way I've done.

So now, all of a sudden, I find myself 34.
Wondering what got me here, to this moment, who I was and how I came to be. And are there pieces of me that I've let loose or slip or shrivel up from inattention?
What was in that burning car and should I have doused the flames?

I wonder if my parents can see in me today little pieces of a sweet little blonde girl who cut the hair of all her china dolls even though she wasn't allowed to, crossed her arms, and talked back with conviction. And did that girl make me who I am today?
In a good way?

I wonder if my brothers can see in me today the strength I didn't have when we fought, screamed, hit, and tortured each other mercilessly in the 80s and 90s.
(Note: I was the torturee 100% of the time)
I wonder if the girl they picked on is now a woman they admire or appreciate or like, even a little.
I wonder if a pansy grew into a mighty oak.
I wonder if those moments in playgrounds and basements and bedrooms helped me get to here.
Gave me the good things that have built me.

34.

I wonder if there was a moment in time, a TSN-turning-point, a millisecond where I chose a path, a  direction, an opportunity and it made me me.

I wonder if those times I wavered and came so close to choosing Option B or Plan C – did they make me? Break me? Free me?

I wonder if I became who my parents had hoped?
Did I become more?
Less?
Something different?

I have 34 years of history in this body, this soul, this heart.
I can't quite recall with any degree of clarity what all those 34 years have been save for tiny moments, keyhole-views into something familiar.
I cherish those bits of cosiness.

I kind of expected more at 34 to tell you the truth.
A few more notches in my belt.
A little more love.
A bigger brood.
An easier road.
A bigger dent.
A more impactful existence.
A bit more wisdom and a little less flippancy.

But I also expected, I think, to have no idea what to expect.

At 34, I can rhyme off all the things I don't like about me in 32 seconds flat.
And I don't think that's a good thing.

The bump on my nose, the mole on my right cheek, the size of my thighs, the way I string words into mumbles and people have to say "pardon?" twice, the way I look in a bathing suit, my height, the colour of my skin, the size of my forehead, the gumminess of my smile, my rash decision-making, my posture, my introvertedness, the way I can't look strangers in the eye, the way I latch on and suffocate the things and people I love, my incessant worrying, my long list of regrets... and so it goes on.

I was thinking about this list (obviously).
All of the things that 34 years of me have produced.
Could be worse, I said out loud. Honestly.
I laughed, out loud again.
(My neighbours are going to think I'm certifiably nuts).
But really, it could be. And I get that. And I'm starting to like the bump on my nose...
My thighs, though. That's a tougher road to acceptance. But I'm working on it.

So I'm trying to look at 34 as an opportunity.

Another year to be better.
To leave the negative in the past.
To gain perspective.
To lose weaknesses.
To look forward and leap forward and breathe forward and love forward.
Another year to look in the mirror and try to accept
all that is me.
I'm not sure why it's taken this long to be okay with it.
After all, I'm equal parts of two of the most incredible people I've ever known.
I was gifted with great things.

I'm sitting here, lamp to the left, dog to the right, glasses falling to the edge of my knobby nose.
It is quiet.
The street is asleep.
And I'm wistful, of course.
I'm curious (am I who I was meant to be?)
I'm amazed (34!! Crazy!!)
I'm anxious (to do more, achieve more, and be more in the years ahead. Time is a'wastin!!)

34.
It has a nice ring to it.
It feels established and regal.
Like it's setting the stage for a future that wows.
And it's building the foundation for a history that's memorable.

34.
I have a feeling I will remember you.







Tuesday, July 24, 2012

5 Peaks Trail Race – Cypress

In April I signed up for the 5 Peaks trail running series. Five trail races in five months on five mountains. I've always wanted to do it – since I moved to the West Coast. It was a bucket list kind of dream.

So when i woke up in April feeling healthy and spry and my inbox dinned with an "Early Registration" email, I decided to do it.

The first race, a 6+ km at Golden Ears Provincial Park in May set the pace. I climbed, ran, trekked, breathed heavily, crossed streams, tripped, and sweat. I was hooked.

I joined a trail running clinic, changed into dirty runners and luon in a washroom stall at work, and battled traffic across the Lions Gate to meet my group for a 6 o'clock run.

Things were hoppin'.

The next week, still on a high from having one peak under my belt and feeling strong enough to start competing again, I tore my MCL, bruised my tibia, and was fairly certain that my dream of completing the 5 Peaks Racing Series had all but vanished.

One fall. One twisted knee. Two eyes welled up with tears.
That's all it took to crush a dream.

The second race, in June, was in Squamish.
As it approached, I was determined to do it.
I'd go for walks with Harley and try to jog a little. My knee hurt. It swelled up. I sat back down.
This went on for weeks.
The Squamish race came – and went – without me at the start or the finish line.
My heart sank as I did slow, methodical movements with my physiotherapist, trying to regain strength.

"I'm going to run Cypress," I said to to my trainer.
"Yes, you will," she replied.

On July 20th I went to bed with a nervous gut and a racing mind.
Yes! I thought. Racing jitters!
It was a sign that I was on a comeback.

I woke up at 5. an hour before my alarm.
I juiced a pre-race elixir of cucumber, celery, parsley, and ginger.
I did a micro-jog with Harley around the block to warm up.
It was raining and cool.
I was happy yet petrified.

15 minutes before the race!
I had a race plan and it was simple: Just finish.

I promised my chiropractor I would be patient and listen to my body. I promised my trainer that I would suss it out and let my knee guide me and tell me how fast to go. I promised my mom I would not hurt myself again. I promised my travel buddy I would not be on crutches in Iceland. I promised myself I would be okay with just being out there.

At the top of Cypress Mountain, the rain came down in droves. Thicker and harder than it usually does in Vancouver. It was nearly snow. The fog was thick and the start line looked mystical. A race in the clouds.

I stretched. I paced. I started to be doubtful.
Can I do this?
Will I get hurt?
Am I ready?

One of the race officials made an announcement:
It's slippery out there. Watch for rocks, roots, mud. Conditions are very slippery. Be careful.

Gulp.

I had a brief moment of wanting to back out.

But I'm not in the habit of letting my mind prevent me from having a good time.
So I sloughed off the doubt, welcomed the jitters, and relished in this feeling I've missed for 10 long weeks.

I started in the last wave on purpose – so I could pass people.
Hopefully.

We ran 100 meters down a road to the trail head. It was thick and mossy. Muddy and wet. Instantly, a hundred runners panted wildly. I was one of them. My heart keeping beat to rap songs and poetic staccatos.

I was alive!

The thing I love most about trail running is that I forget I'm running. It's a mindful sport. You have to watch your footing below and the trail ahead simultaneously. You have to make instant decisions on footing. It's a brain game.

We went through mud-puddles so deep that my shins seemed painted brown and my steps were stuck for micro-seconds as the mud suction-cupped me to the earth.
There was a steep embankment of scree – tiny rocks and uneasy footing that  saw an entire fleet of athletes huffing and puffing (and no longer running) one big step after another to the top.
There were webs of roots and banana slugs.
There were grassy knolls and fern-lined routes.
There was hill after hill after hill. So many ups.

And then a volunteer with a cowbell and a smile at the top of the last big climb.
"You're amazing!" she said "It's downhill from here. The nice kind of downhill. Enjoy it!"

And I pressed on into the foggy mist and the last kilometre of downhill running.

I crossed the finish line feeling tired but happy. My shoes were caked in mud. The hairs on my arms stood at attention. My knee was okay. Not great, but okay.
It had been precarious. There were a few moments when it didn't seem to like holding me up, but like a real trooper and the official joint of a stubborn girl, it carried on with conviction.

"How'd you do?" asked one of the volunteers as I loaded up on bananas and Gatorade.
Muddy shoes = fun times!


I paused. I actually had no clue how I did.
In fact, for the first time ever, I didn't even look at the time.
And even after she asked, I really didn't care.
I was so happy to have finished.
Actually genuinely happy to be on my feet again.

I checked my results at home.
Bottom half (closer to bottom than half).
17 out of 32 in my age group.
An "okay" performance.

Normally, I'd pick apart where I screwed up, where I faltered, where I could have run faster.
But, you know what, this race wasn't about the time, it was about the journey.
Sure, a cheesy cliche perhaps. But it was.

I ran 6.6 km in a muddy, slick forest on the top of a mountain on a dark,dank, foggy afternoon 10 weeks after a knee injury sidelined me and only two weeks after lacing up again.

Screw the results.
I'm pretty proud of me.