When the news finally came in January that my six months of back pain and leg numbness was due to three disc herniations, I was at first relieved: nothing life-threatening. And then I was distraught: there is no quick fix for injuries of this nature.
I spent the ensuing week after diagnosis crying, depressed, upset.
I called myself every name in the book: fat, lethargic, hopeless.
I imagined all my goals unachievable: no travel. no hiking. no running.
And then I snapped out it. (well, i snapped out of it in doses. I still throw the occasional pity party.)
The bad news is this: my pain is constant and my physical limitations are massive. I can't run. I can barely walk three blocks. I can't hike. I can't bike. Well... not yet anyway.
And, at first, I thought: then I guess I can't do anything.
I thought: how can I bear 6 more months (at least) of 24-hour pain and discomfort? I feel like I haven't truly slept since summer.
But that's the thinking of a pessimist. And last time I checked, this was a pretty fantastic life I am leading. I've just been thrown a curve ball of gigantic proportions.
It'll probably be another 6 months to a year before I can enjoy the same kind of physical ability as I did at this time last year.
And I have better things to do than mope around the house. Don't I? Yes, I absolutely do.
So I've been putting my energy into other things.
I'm rediscovering creative outlets - doing more work, re-energizing my business, refocusing my passion on environmental endeavours. I'm designing for not-for-profits; I'm am charting a course for new business; I am playing.
I'm recommitting to vegetarianism and am neck deep in learning to cook better, prepare meals more smartly, and read books that educate me on it further.
I am trying new activities that I've always shunned (admittedly due to lack of understanding) like yoga and meditation.
I am trying to find ways to stay healthy even though I am unhealthy.
I think the stronger I stay, the faster my back will heal and the sooner I will be racing again.
Mike said to me last night: "You will beat this, babe. And when you do, you can tattoo a big I WIN on your spine."
I just might. :)
So onwards I go with slightly less energetic adventures, but adventures nonetheless. Life is too short to sit idle. And I will not let this injury sideline me from life. No way.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For 2010: the word is "joy"
Another year. Another set of hurdles to fly over, crawl around, or cower at before I tackle.
2009 gave me challenges galore. It was a year built like a 10-storey brick wall and surmounting it was my most difficult task.
Challenge 1: Marathon / Physical and Mental Battle of a Lifetime
I ran a marathon with the flu. I was more than an hour past my goal time, but I finished it. The last 17 km hurt so bad I can still feel the ache in my legs. But I did it. And I stood tall at the finish line.
Challenge 2: Dog Surgery / Emotional Catastrophe
I watched helplessly as my best furry friend underwent surgery and 3 months of recovery. It was heart-wrenching. When I saw her sad, cone-adorned, drugged up head and hind leg swollen, I feared I had made the wrong decision. The ensuing rehab was strenuous. The emotional toll was horrendous. But on the eve of the New Year she received a clean bill of health and tore after a tennis ball with youthful gusto. And I knew it had all happened for a reason. And for this moment.
Challenge 3: Serious Injury / Humbling Moment in Time
I unwillingly spent the last 6 months of the year idle, trying to recover from an injury that had me sidelined and forced me out of my element -- fitness, energy, and outside -- and into my frustration -- idleness, lethargy, and discontent. It was as much a battle of the mind as it was a physical battle. I came at it from all angles: i thought positively, i sought medical help, I received xrays and scans, physiotherapy, chiropractic help, natural health remedies, and more. But the pain persisted and increased and rendered me uncomfortable.. At times, I was weak. I folded into a ball and cried, longing for the days of running and hiking and playing outside. Other times, I stood up tall and punched the pain right back, square in the face, trying to kill it with positivity.
The injury persists, infiltrating my New Year with unwanted physical challenge. But I will not give up. I will overcome it. And when I do, it will be bliss. And I will run tall - and fast - again.
Challenge 4: All Other Challenges / The Things That Didn't Kill Me Only Made Me Stronger
Among the years other challenges included mending a broken heart, facing my finances head on, composing myself in sticky situations, learning to forgive and even forget, forging uphill when I wanted to slide down, baring a bikini in public, trying to set an example for a young girl, pushing my business forward without fear, losing a friend that I didn't want to lose, and more.
Not every challenge was tackled head on. Not every challenge was overcome victoriously. But all taught me a lesson. And made it possible for me to move forward into 2010 with a new goal: JOY. It's the word of the year for me, and I intend to find JOY in everything I do: business, relationships, life, love, activity, travel, and even pain and injury. There is JOY in it all. And I want to live with JOY in 2010 in spite of the challenges that the year is sure to throw my way.
Of course, like 2010 will surely be, 2009 was not just a year of challenges. It was, in fact, a year of great accomplishments and strides. One more year passed and another set of notches on my "things to do" list were etched, including: a marathon completed, a major mountain summited, and an Olympic torch carried.
I ran diligently.
I played frisbee.
I watched the sun set.
I swam in the ocean.
I spent great times with friends.
I visited family.
I believed I could do it.
I fell in love with a big brown pup.
I ate healthfully (for the most part)
I wasn't afraid to have fun.
I didn't drink often and when I did I had a blast!
I developed a deep bond with a little girl who inspires me.
I made a difference.
I expanded my business.
I took chances.
I sweat.
I learned more about my finances.
I read financial books (seriously).
I read business books (yep. I did.)
I asked for advice.
I gave advice.
I traveled to a place I'd never been before and had an adventure with my best friend.
I relied on people.
I stopped apologizing for things that weren't my fault.
I breathed in fresh air.
I slept under the stars.
I watched a band play on the cliffs of a river under the moon.
I clapped loudly and sang at the top of my lungs.
I laughed so hard I nearly peed. (Actually, one time I did.)
I watched my nephews grow into beautiful boys and it made me proud - of them and my brothers.
I pushed hard to overcome adversity.
I didn't try to do it all.
I pursued my passions.
I was amazed.
I saw my brother after 2.5 years and I was fulfilled.
I ate locally.
I became a vegetarian.
I was proud of me –- not all the time, but most of the time.
Here's to 2010.
I will embrace all of its gifts and imperfections, and each day I will set aside time to see the JOY in what has occurred and what I have made happen in my life.
I can't wait to share that JOY with you.
Happy New Year!
2009 gave me challenges galore. It was a year built like a 10-storey brick wall and surmounting it was my most difficult task.
Challenge 1: Marathon / Physical and Mental Battle of a Lifetime
I ran a marathon with the flu. I was more than an hour past my goal time, but I finished it. The last 17 km hurt so bad I can still feel the ache in my legs. But I did it. And I stood tall at the finish line.
Challenge 2: Dog Surgery / Emotional Catastrophe
I watched helplessly as my best furry friend underwent surgery and 3 months of recovery. It was heart-wrenching. When I saw her sad, cone-adorned, drugged up head and hind leg swollen, I feared I had made the wrong decision. The ensuing rehab was strenuous. The emotional toll was horrendous. But on the eve of the New Year she received a clean bill of health and tore after a tennis ball with youthful gusto. And I knew it had all happened for a reason. And for this moment.
Challenge 3: Serious Injury / Humbling Moment in Time
I unwillingly spent the last 6 months of the year idle, trying to recover from an injury that had me sidelined and forced me out of my element -- fitness, energy, and outside -- and into my frustration -- idleness, lethargy, and discontent. It was as much a battle of the mind as it was a physical battle. I came at it from all angles: i thought positively, i sought medical help, I received xrays and scans, physiotherapy, chiropractic help, natural health remedies, and more. But the pain persisted and increased and rendered me uncomfortable.. At times, I was weak. I folded into a ball and cried, longing for the days of running and hiking and playing outside. Other times, I stood up tall and punched the pain right back, square in the face, trying to kill it with positivity.
The injury persists, infiltrating my New Year with unwanted physical challenge. But I will not give up. I will overcome it. And when I do, it will be bliss. And I will run tall - and fast - again.
Challenge 4: All Other Challenges / The Things That Didn't Kill Me Only Made Me Stronger
Among the years other challenges included mending a broken heart, facing my finances head on, composing myself in sticky situations, learning to forgive and even forget, forging uphill when I wanted to slide down, baring a bikini in public, trying to set an example for a young girl, pushing my business forward without fear, losing a friend that I didn't want to lose, and more.
Not every challenge was tackled head on. Not every challenge was overcome victoriously. But all taught me a lesson. And made it possible for me to move forward into 2010 with a new goal: JOY. It's the word of the year for me, and I intend to find JOY in everything I do: business, relationships, life, love, activity, travel, and even pain and injury. There is JOY in it all. And I want to live with JOY in 2010 in spite of the challenges that the year is sure to throw my way.
Of course, like 2010 will surely be, 2009 was not just a year of challenges. It was, in fact, a year of great accomplishments and strides. One more year passed and another set of notches on my "things to do" list were etched, including: a marathon completed, a major mountain summited, and an Olympic torch carried.
I ran diligently.
I played frisbee.
I watched the sun set.
I swam in the ocean.
I spent great times with friends.
I visited family.
I believed I could do it.
I fell in love with a big brown pup.
I ate healthfully (for the most part)
I wasn't afraid to have fun.
I didn't drink often and when I did I had a blast!
I developed a deep bond with a little girl who inspires me.
I made a difference.
I expanded my business.
I took chances.
I sweat.
I learned more about my finances.
I read financial books (seriously).
I read business books (yep. I did.)
I asked for advice.
I gave advice.
I traveled to a place I'd never been before and had an adventure with my best friend.
I relied on people.
I stopped apologizing for things that weren't my fault.
I breathed in fresh air.
I slept under the stars.
I watched a band play on the cliffs of a river under the moon.
I clapped loudly and sang at the top of my lungs.
I laughed so hard I nearly peed. (Actually, one time I did.)
I watched my nephews grow into beautiful boys and it made me proud - of them and my brothers.
I pushed hard to overcome adversity.
I didn't try to do it all.
I pursued my passions.
I was amazed.
I saw my brother after 2.5 years and I was fulfilled.
I ate locally.
I became a vegetarian.
I was proud of me –- not all the time, but most of the time.
Here's to 2010.
I will embrace all of its gifts and imperfections, and each day I will set aside time to see the JOY in what has occurred and what I have made happen in my life.
I can't wait to share that JOY with you.
Happy New Year!
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