For years I've always thought that resolutions were a tad bit commercially driven. A little bit silly. And a lot unachievable. Still, I'd make them and break them, year after year. It's just what you're supposed to do, I guess.
This year is different.
2008 was a difficult year for me.
The first that i can remember feeling so completely out of control and yet so completely in control at the same time.
It was the first that I can remember truly feeling every emotion to its very depth : happiness, sadness, anger, glee, depression, awe, amazement, curiousity, self-pity, self-loathing, and pride.
I felt it all.
Sometimes it made me feel tall and confident and proud.
Sometimes it made me feel small, low and broken.
All the time it made me feel alive.
2008 was a year of incredible heart ache for me. Some of the most painful times of my life.
It was also a year of overwhelming joys.
There was surprise and glory.
And there were a few bottomless pits that I managed to edge my way out of eventually.
I watched my best friend die and it was the single most horrifying experience of my life.
I met and fell in love with two extraordinary nephews right the moment they were born.
I had my very first conversation ever with my nephew Mark, and it was heaven on earth.
I befriended a little girl who needed a friend. And in the end, her friendship saved me.
I hiked some great hikes.
I raced some fun races.
I fell down, got up, and dusted myself off.
I worked too hard.
I didn't work hard enough.
I launched a charitable endeavour and it made my spirit soar.
I missed my family fiercely.
I loved a man who loved me right back. And it was delightful.
I kayaked.
I climbed.
I played tennis.
I zip-lined.
I bungee-jumped.
i swam.
I ran away.
I came back.
I was proud of myself.
I let myself down.
I made others smile.
I made others cry.
I did good things.
I did not so good things.
I felt sorry for myself more than I should have.
I didn't try as hard as I could have.
I was afraid of what was next.
I stood up to my fears.
I turned 30 and it was no big deal.
I grieved. A lot.
I laughed. A lot.
I smiled. A lot.
I huffed and puffed. A lot.
I felt empowered.
I gained weight.
I lost weight.
I ran fast.
I ran slow.
I jumped off a bridge and laughed all the way down.
I lost my pants in mosh pit.
I laughed until I nearly peed.
I highfived a lot of people.
I finished a few crossword puzzles.
I saw a bald eagle, twice.
I watched a bear scurry away.
I stepped on a crab and it forgave me.
I experienced peace on earth.
I endured hell on earth.
I bit my nails.
I mended fences.
I baked a lot of cakes.
I got to know the Starbucks Guy by name.
I challenged myself.
I failed.
I succeeded.
I told lies.
I told truths.
I questioned a lot of things.
I joined a few movements.
I protested fur, foie gras, and environmental malpractice.
I signed petitions.
I righted wrongs.
I gave money when i could.
I gave my time when I could.
I tried not to take anyone for granted, but I did in the end.
I tried to love like I've never been hurt, but I still am clad in armour.
I tried to love myself unconditionally, and that is a work in progress.
I accepted my faults (sort of).
I ate Mcdonalds more than I should have.
I decided to become a vegetarian and I am really giving it a go.
I ate cookies for breakfast.
I ate cake for lunch.
I ate healthy most of the time.
I felt love in my heart.
I felt light in my life.
I thought I might never recover.
I recovered.
I hugged until the other person let go.
I shook hands with conviction.
I believed in myself for the most part.
I made a lot of commitments.
I didn't always follow through. (this is my one regret.)
2008 was a whirlwind of adventure and pain and love and loathing.
It was the epitome of life, all wrapped up in 365 days.
I admit to several times wanting to turn back the clock and choose a different path.
I do not have many regrets. I wish I had none.
Each misstep had a purpose.
Each error in judgement taught me a lesson.
Each divine moment made me appreciate life all the more.
I've learned so many lessons from 2008 that I do not know them all yet.
I am a student of last year.
And I will be a student of the years to come.
My only wish for myself on the eve of 2009 is that, this year, I follow through.
That every time I make a commitment, I see to it that I follow through.
For my friends. For my family. And for me.
I resolve to follow through.
And you can hold me to it.
Happy New Year!
