Later 2010 (Don't let the door hit you on the way out)
2010 dealt me a number of blows.
It started with a back injury that not only literally forced me off my feet and into an instant state of idleness but also threw me into a spiralling hole of depression, weight gain, and financial ruin.
2010 was a rollercoaster of a year. So many great things happened – M Biked and Hiked to raise money for my Spinal Decompression. He did it; I got the treatment; it worked (for the most part). We enjoyed the Olympics – every possible way. We road scooters on Salt Spring Island and danced our faces off at friends weddings. We saw family. I hugged nephews. There were moments of bliss, absolutely.
But the year had an undercurrent of disappointment.
I struggled all year to be able to be active. And every time I started up, another ache showed up. Another pain. Another reason to have to stop.
I struggled to feel confident.
I struggled to face people.
I felt like such a failure.
I spent $12,000 on therapies – acupuncture, chiropractor, physio, orthotics, active-release-therapy.
All worked to certain degrees.
But all health practitioners said (and still say) the same thing:
"You have to have patience. Back injuries take a long time to heal."
I've heard this so much over the course of 18 months (18 months!!!!) that I've started to get snappy.
"I have been patient. What does patience mean? How long? Give me a number? How long until I get my life back?"
A girl can stand idly by only for so long.
I was losing my cool.
And I don't lose my cool.
That's not me.
That's not Kim.
I worried about money incessantly.
Having chronic pain sucks.
Having chronic pain without a medical plan is a knife in your back.
So I played less, worked harder, sometimes sweating out 18 hours days.
Every time I got paid, I paid the doctors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, government, visa, etc.
I paid bill after bill after bill religiously.
"You have to have time for you," M would say. "You're working too hard."
"I don't want to be in debt," I'd shoot back. "I wasn't raised to be in debt. I know better."
I was HUGELY disappointed in every aspect of my life.
And it shocked me.
I always thought I'd be one of those people who when faced with adversity would hit the ground running and triumph over it with a positive attitude. But I didn't.
The truth is:
I wallowed.
I cried.
I felt sorry for myself.
I became hugely self-critical.
I stopped hanging out with friends.
I was snappy.
I wanted to curl under a rock and stay there.
I just wanted my 2009 life back.
The one where I hiked and biked and ran races.
Where I crossed rivers, and trails and finish lines with my arms raised and my face smiling.
Where I played squash and tennis and high-fived M at every turn.
Where I wore a bikini on the beach and skinny jeans with a belt.
I longed for it so much.
Which is not something to be proud of.
In 2010, I did not act with integrity.
I wasn't strong.
I wasn't nice.
And I wasn't positive.
I was "opposite Kim".
I was scared, emotional, and frustrated.
The irony is: I pride myself in being none of those things.
And yet I was all of them – often.
Hello 2011!
So moving into this glorious new year, I am keen and dedicated to getting "Regular Kim" back.
Regardless of my back pain.
Regardless of financial concerns.
Regardless of the hand I am dealt.
I am getting back to me.
Its not going to be easy.
But I like a good challenge.
And there will be set backs, no doubt.
But I am going to learn to take them as they come.
And to shove feelings of discouragement in the trash.
I am going to smile.
I am going to try.
I am going to run as far as I can as fast as I can and be okay with whatever that time and distance is.
I am going to lean on my friends.
I am going to be a good friend back.
I am going to be less self-critical.
I am going to stop saying "gross" every time I look in the mirror.
I am going to step confidently forward and grab life by the balls.
I am going to play with dog and relish in the joy that she gives me.
I am going to go with the flow.
I am going to take care of me.
I am going to cry only if it's worth a cry.
I am going to stand tall
I am going to stop pushing away help and accept it openly when I need it.
I am going to climb Grouse Mountain again in under an hour.
I am going to propel my business forward.
I am going to believe in me.
I am going to be a better partner – stronger, smarter, nicer, sweeter.
I am going to stop wishing for what I don't have.
I am going to go out a get what I want.
I am going to be ok with who I am and what I am doing and how I am doing it.
I am so grateful to every single person who put up with me, support me, helped me, lifted me up, and cheered me on in 2010.
I could not have survived that year without you all.
Now, it's time to fly.
