Every year, I like to look back. Sometimes I kick myself. Sometimes I revel in great successes and wonderful times. Most times I make myself a lengthy what-not-to-do-next-year list that generally overwhelms and leads me to the Thirty Bench Merlot before 3.
So this year, I'm doing something I never do.
I am giving myself some slack (gasp!).
Well, attempting to, at least.
2011 was a tumultuous year for me. A lot of grief. A lot of loss. A lot of hardship. A lot of tears. A lot of self-doubt. A lot of "poor me." (Hate to admit it, but it's true.)
And for the past month or so, I've been reflecting on those things. The ugly part of 2011. The sticky parts that make me say clichéd things like "good riddance" and "can't leave fast enough."
But a year of trials and steadfast disappointment, is not a year of failures. Turns out, it's a year of hard won lessons.
Thank you, 2011 for these:
- I learned not to count myself out when I'm down.
- I learned that one girl does not have to shoulder all her burdens alone.
- I learned that the people and voices that have held me back are thoroughly misinformed.
- I learned that family really is everything. A great dad, a caring mom, a solid throng of brothers, and a killer combination of friends are great assets.
- I learned that I can do it; even when I think I can't (hello, first condo purchase and big moment of pride.)
- I learned that I don't always have to be in the race; great triumph and clarity can come from the sidelines too (Way to go, Dad!)
- I learned that there is absolutely nothing my dog can do that I do not find utterly adorable and absolutely loveable. Even eating poo. Which is fairly disgusting. But she always has remorseful eyes when I'm brushing her teeth later.
- I learned that no matter how much an old boss told me there's no room for friendship and kindness in business, that he was utterly, completely wrong. (I knew that all along, but now I have bottom line kind of proof).
- I learned that working weekends is detrimental to my mental health.
- I learned that giving feels good. Really good.
- I learned that I really never will appreciate celery. I've tried. It's over. We weren't meant to be.
- I learned that sometimes you can give every bit of you and it's not enough. And that's okay. We all have our own path.
- I learned that a good cry is therapeutic and a deep bathtub is a necessity.
- I learned that I can be nice and strong at the same time.
- I learned that giving feedback isn't the same as giving criticism. I can do both. Well.
- I learned that there is no better hug on the planet than a hug from Gram. It is the warmest. It is the safest.
- I learned that sometimes talking it out is futile; sometimes you have to hug and agree to move on.
- I learned that it's impossible not to fall madly and deeply in love with kids the moment you meet them. Especially my brothers' kids. Madly. Deeply. Utterly drowning in love.
- I learned that money isn't everything. It's nice. But there's so much more.
- I learned that it's not how fast you run or how far, but that I enjoyed each step. Or most steps.
- I learned that there is no way I'm ever going to get it right all of the time. And that's okay.
- I learned that at the end of every failure is a big honkin' opportunity to shine again. So stop sulking about the failure already.
- I learned that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength.
- I learned that kindness comes in all shapes and sizes – and all are gifts.
- I learned that I can eat vegetarian and thrive – and only yearn for the Sakura Roll at Kadoya periodically.
- I learned that I absolutely have no right to be dancing anywhere at any time. But that I will any way. Because it's so damn fun.
- I learned that looking at my BlackBerry before I get out of bed is a prescription for cardiac arrest.
- I learned that I am really good at what I do. And I am proud of that.
- I learned that I am more than just "what I do". There is more to me than being a business owner.
- I learned that I should've hired a bookkeeper a long time ago.
- I learned that when it comes down to it, family is at the core. (I always knew this; but in 2011 I felt it.)
- I learned that I have no business mourning for what could have been.
- I learned that a bad back isn't a death sentence, merely a challenge. And I eat challenges for breakfast.
- I learned that my favourite appliance is definitely my juicer. If there was a fire, I'd save Harley and the juicer.
- I learned that beets, ginger, carrots, apples, grapefruit, and strawberries are a great elixir on hill training days.
- I learned that if it was possible to love a grocery store, that I would marry Whole Foods.
- I learned that breaking up with my financial planner wasn't worth all the worry I had over it. My money is better off.
- I learned that a small group of people can effect incredible change.
- I learned that I really don't like hot yoga that much, but i do I love yoga in principle.
- I learned that I can school the other runners on stairs. I am really good at stairs.
- I learned that leaving my desk at lunch is all kinds of great therapy.
- I learned that the magic is inside. (Thank you, Dolly Parton.)
- I learned that I can listen to Pearl Jam albums on repeat to Squamish and back and not get tired of singing the same songs hours on end.
- I learned that sometimes I just have to accept that I've fallen. No matter how much it burns.
- I learned that no matter what, my family is there.
- I learned that being a cranky old sop really isn't good for any one.
- I learned that dentibones do absolutely nothing for the breath of a dog that eats poo.
- I learned that looking at the mountains every morning is something that never will and never should get old.
- I learned that I am privileged. And I should be grateful. And I am.
- I learned that I am resilient. Like REALLY resilient.
- I learned that I always write way too much – especially when I'm trying to be succinct.
I learned a lot of things in 2011.
So thank you 2011.
You certainly came at me with guns a'blazing.
Sometimes I shot back. Sometimes I quivered in the corner. Sometimes I called in the troops.
But at this year's end, despite the broken heart, the broken faith, the broken hand, the broken confidence ... I came out on top – heart mended, faith re-instilled, hand gnarly but operational, and confidence on the upswing.
Thank you.
I needed that.
(Well, maybe not all of that. It was excessive at times and I feel, as a year, you might owe me an apology. But I heard you, 2011. Loud and clear.)
For 2012, my intentions are these:
- Eat vegan.
- Believe in myself more
- Bite fewer nails
- Run often – even if it's just a short jaunt. It's my greatest therapy.
- Be still.
- Reassess my relationship with yoga. Try again.
- Be open; ditch fear.
- Don't sweat failure.
- Call family more. Tell them they're the best ('cause they are.)
- Love.
- Travel, dammit.
- Be curious.
Some of these I'll achieve with ease; others will break in due time no doubt. But all I will go after with gusto.
I promise myself that.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
