"I think I'm having a mid-life crisis" I said over kale juice and oatmeal to one of my best friends a few weeks ago.
He smirked: "You're insane. You're not old enough to have a midlife crisis."
"No really, I am." I was adamant.
"Okay, so what's this crisis: you want a ferrari?"
We both laughed and then I laid it on him.
Here I am, livin' the dream.
I have a home that I own (well, the bank owns but I am working on it) in arguably one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I run my own business. It's successful (because my accountant says so.) I make good money. I feel creative. I work hard. My health is great. I run in the mountains on the weekends. I have friends.
I am, by all accounts, one helluva lucky woman. I'm probably luckier than 90% of the world's population.
There is food on my table. I have shelter. I have employment. I have a car. I have expendable cash. I have a family that loves me through and through.
When I finished touting the laundry list of great things in my life, he says: "so what's the problem?"
"I'm not fulfilled." I said.
I worry about money incessantly. I can't sleep because I worry about paying my staff. I work 7 days a week and have for 6 years. I live and breathe my business – and I can't see how to change that because I love it like a mother loves a son. I'm trying to raise a child into awesomeness here. I'm tired. I don't take vacations. When my friends ask me to hang out, I say "I can't. Too busy. Have a deadline. Must work. Have to get to bed early..." to the point where the invitations become few and far between. I eat every meal out of my home and haven't used my stove once in 6 months. Not because I don't want to but because I am at the office, working, trying to build something that means something to me so deeply it's indescribable. I see my friends and family building new families – marriages, kids, travel, excitement. I've never really craved any of that – I suppose I've never really met someone that I wanted it with, but now I'm wondering if I've been so focused on work and building a company that I've totally neglected building a life. ANd is it too late for that? And am I too invested in my business to take a step back.
So. Many. Doubts.
Am I on the wrong path?
Is life passing me by?
"Take a breath" he said.
"Since I've known you, you've been working, working, working. The hardest working person I know. But," he said "you've been working this hard for THIS moment. You are on the cusp. Everything you said you were going to do with your business, you did. Now you're THIS close to getting what you want – a fine tuned machine that runs with or without you. By the end of the year you'll be able to step away and not worry. Because you built it. And you'll have time to be Kim McMullen, the person. And you'll have earned it."
I swallowed tears.
"I think I should just liquidate it and travel the world." I said.
"Ok. you're right." he said flabbergasted by my stubborness "You're definitely having a crisis."
I carried on that week.
Hemming and hawing.
Doubting myself.
Wondering what to do next.
A tearful call with dad.
A blue-sky session over wine with a dear friend.
A text to my brother.
A reminder from an old lady that life is a bunch of highs and lows. And that's why it's great.
I sought advice.
I talked it out.
I wrote a little.
I ran a lot and used the pace as therapy.
I hiked each night.
I pet Harley and it soothed me.
I stared at the ceiling and talked out loud.
What is a girl to do.
And then, like an anvil in a Wyle E Coyote cartoon – it hit me.
Big.
Massive.
Blammo!
I'm already living the dream.
I've been sour and longing over an "I want this" list for a month.
I've been focused on what I'm missing. What's not here. What's lacking.
I've been so insular in my thinking that I forgot to "see" that what I want I already have.
I want to have more time for myself – so I booked a trip to Iceland, I flew to Atlanta on a whim, I joined a trail running group on thursdays, I'm taking a vegan cooking class on Wednesdays. I say yes to friends more. I booked extra time on the end of a business trip to see family instead of making the excuse that I have to work. I still work weekends and on weekdays until midnights sometimes ... but I have the things I want. I made the time. I found the pockets. And it actually makes me enjoy my crazy work schedule more. Making time has become a priority. And I'm pretty good at it, actually. Yay me.
I want more money – I've committed to taking the third Friday of every month off and STILL paying myself (imagine), I started a TFSA, I bike or walk to work and save $200/month in parking, I get my clothes from clothes swaps instead of department stores and I end up getting cool stuff and meeting cool people at the same time. I may not be rich, but I'm finding ways to save, and feel richer. My money/energy flow is increasing. I've got good money mojo coming.
I want to figure it out – I'm running 5 days a week and using the time to sort out my head – work, life, love, philosophy, heart. I have Blue Sky dates with friends who love to toss around ideas and help each other achieve their goals. I have a life coach who pushes me to set and achieve goals that matter to me – in my gut. Deep down. I talk more openly and honestly to my friends and family than I ever have before about what I'm struggling with and they listen. And they help. And I feel I have direction. And support. I'm figuring it out.
I want to be outside more – so I open the windows, I eat dinner on the balcony, I buy fresh flowers, I walk to work, I hike on the weekends, I play fetch at 6. I have fresh air in my life and it is bliss. I'm outside a lot.
I want to be a better business women – I talk to other entrepeneurs; I belong to networking groups; I set planning sessions with my accounting team; I read two business books a month and talk about them with a book club I started; I take the president of a local successful company out for beers once a quarter just to pick his brain; I ask for advice. I don't know everything but I am learning.
Blammo!
Bam!
There it is.
All this crazy talk about turning my life upside down to get what I want and it turns out that I already have everything in spades.
I just had to ditch my whiney longing for something more and turn up the Gratitude Dial a little.
Turns out things are actually pretty great. And I'm doing an okay job at this wacky thing called life.
I guess the Ferrari will have to wait.
